Quantum-thoughtsBarefoot software engineer in pants!

This is a true story from half my lifetime ago when I was 16 or 17 years old and attending Yorkshire Coast College in Scarborough.

I was into metal, I wore black, wasn’t bothered that my clothes were literally falling to pieces, programmed constantly, partied, drank too much, and had long hair almost to my waist at one point. So much has changed in all those years… now I have short hair.

It was on one morning when I got up, realised I was running late, shrugged and carried on slovenly as usual. I think that when I left the house I was wearing my “boners” t-shirt that had skeletons having sex in various positions, jeans with gaping holes in them (this wasn’t fashion, this was sloth), big black boots, and my hair hanging loose.

I began my trudge along the 1.5 miles to college slightly hungover and with all my usual enthusiasm, i.e: none.

At the top of the road I went up there’s a nice leafy walk with trees and as usual there was a random stranger out walking their dog.

This dog was a golden retriever, all medium/long coat, out for a walk with it’s owner, bounding along with a happy/dumb expression. The woman, well I couldn’t see her face but all wrapped up warm and plodding along she looked just past middle-aged, 40’s to early 60’s lets say. Later events did not aid my recollection of her details.

If you look at the link above you might notice the low hedge back from the path. This looks out down a very very steep drop that is unsafe for people, hence the pathetic wall of shrubbery. Kids of course attempt to slide/scramble down there all the time, often resulting in injuries ranging from bruising and scrapes to cuts and broken limbs. Dogs love it, being of a four-paw-drive species they disappear through this hedge and bound around finding sticks and things to drag back up.

So far, so not-yet-accused of eating a dog.

Walking along about 40 ft behind the woman, quite a bit quicker than her, I’m on the path but she’s just off to the right of it, the dog bounding around. The dog, big happy dumb expression and all, disappears through the hedge overlooking the drop. Situation normal. I get a few feet closer as I slouch quickly along before the woman starts looking around for her dog. She doesn’t see her dog.

She turns to me, being the only other person there, and I am expecting her to ask me if I know where her dog is, I am prepared to reply: “I just saw him run through the hedge back there, I’m sure that if you call him he’ll be right back.“, I like dogs, I have my own dog at this point in my life, and I am preparing to engage in banal pleasantries.

What she says instead is: “Where’s my dog, what have you done with my dog?!?“, said quickly with no chance to reply and with blunt accusation in her voice. “Where is he what have you done to him?!?“. Getting slightly more shrill now and then:

“YOU’VE EATEN MY DOG!“

Ah, what? Although I think my exact response right then was actually stunned silence and the noise; “bwuh?“.

This quickly became some quite loud shouting along the lines of:

“HOW COULD YOU?!?”,

“HE’S LOVELY GIVE HIM BACK”,

“YOU’VE EATEN HIM, YOU’VE EATEN MY DOG!”

This, if you go back to that link and spin the camera around, did not happen on an empty street, there was a postman not far along the road I think, and a couple of people in the houses starting to look out of the windows etc. Though my memory might be starting to play tricks on me there.

There were several problems with her claim to me eating her dog:

1. My face was not drenched in the blood of her deceased pet,
2. Fur was not hanging from the corners of my mouth,
3. There was no pile of viscera lying scattered around my blood drench form,
4. I was about the same physical weight as a large golden retriever and had not nearly doubled in volume or weight  in the last 10 seconds,
5. It had literally been about 10 seconds, possibly 30 to 40 after her ranting, since she’d lost sight of her dog!

I was stunned into silence though, I had no idea why this, now visibly quite upset woman, was going so bat shit. I mean I have had an interesting variety of life experiences since, and a few before, but until then, nothing that had prepared me for this impromptu accusation.

She continued in the same vein as above for a bit longer, of course her dog had obviously heard all of this.

He reappeared about another 30 to 40ft along the path in the direction we’d all been walking and bounded over to be beside his very very upset owner and sat down quietly beside her.

I had by now managed to say a few things like; “He just went through the hedge!“, “No I haven’t eaten your dog!“, ” How the fuck would I have eaten your dog!?!“, “He’s there! He’s right fucking there!“. Nothing however had sunk in, she was that upset and getting very angry with me to boot.

At long last the dog, sat right beside her closer enough to touch if she’d just lowered her hand, barked.

She finally shut the hell up and looked down at her dog. Then she looked at me and said; “Oh well, nevermind.” and walked away with her dog to continue their walk without another word of apology or explanation. Leaving me stood there truly and utterly dumbfounded, flabbergasted into silence. I can’t remember if I yelled anything or said anything or even thought anything. I just know that I carried on my walk to college as normal.

When I did finally arrive at college I walked into my lecture probably about 30 minutes late and my lecturer yelled:

him: “What time do you call this?!? What’s your excuse this time?”

me: “I got accused of eating someone’s dog.”

Best excuse I ever had.

Andy